<Character Rant>

You smelly rat booger snot coward! That’s right, I’m talking to you!

I see you standing in the corner with your Three Percenter tattoo thinking you’re just a right old baddass. Sitting in the glow of your righteous patriotism.


You are currently being berated by one of THE FEW, the truest of the true.

CAN that holier than thou, ‘WTF’ attitude mister. You’re nothin’ but bug vomit and I AM THE REAL DEAL. IF you ever want to be anything with your turd nugget existence, then you better listen to me, and then get to work.

See, you know the 3%ers, they’re the ones who ACTUALLY fought back against the English while everyone else cheerleeded from the sidelines. That’s you now. Good for you for doing the bare minimum.

ME! On the other hand, I’m part of the elite .09%. As a Point-O-Niner, as we like to call ourselves, I represent the 3% of the 3%, those of the fighting people that ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT!

I’m not making ill of the dead, but some of them bums was fighting for their land, or their buddies, or because they wanted to see the world. The .09% hated the English so much, many of them went and fought for France and Napoleon after the revolution just so they could keep sticking it to the monarchy.

So, let me tell you sonny Bim Bam, thanks to several fortunate mishaps, my blood is literally red, white, and blue, and smells like maple syrup. I couldn’t be more of a 3%er if I tried. GOT IT!

But I’ve seen you out there, wanting more. IF you want it bad enough, you could join me in the elite of the elite. Abandon your wife and kids, and kiss your friends goodbye, because from here on in, it’s all about fighting the war until it’s won. YOU HEAR ME!

Now. When you’re ready, you come find ‘Ol Johnny Knickerpants and I’ll put in a good word with the .0027%. Trust me, you’ll need my help. Those guys are a bunch of fascists.